Walking through the ExCel alone, early in the morning, I felt tense, my mouth drying. I fidgeted with the lanyard around my neck in an attempt to distract myself. What on earth was I doing here? This was the media centre, for journalists and photographers, proper media - not for people like me. How the hell did I somehow get in here? My brain was going crazy with thoughts of somehow being 'sussed out' as a fraud and not being 'worthy' of taking up a space there. I grabbed a cold can of diet coke, pressed it against my wrist and sat down, trying to calm myself.
I felt like I was getting in the way of the 'proper' photographers, the 'actual' journalists. Were people wondering who I was? They'd never seen me before, did they notice how nervous I was? Could you tell? I was having a major case of Imposter Syndrome, something I've had on and off in situations before (job interviews, deputising as manager etc) but this seemed to be tenfold compared to before.
By definition, "Imposter syndrome is a psychological condition that causes people to doubt their own abilities and accomplishments, despite evidence of their success. People with imposter syndrome may feel like they aren't as talented or worthy as others, and that they're likely to be exposed as a fraud in the future."
I was meant to be there, I'd applied and been accepted, I had the relevant lanyard and tabard, I'd met all of the criteria. Yet because I was so far out of my comfort zone, my brain was telling me I wasn't worthy of being there - somehow I'd frauded my way in, I'd get rumbled, I was "just a fan"... It's true that I am not a journalist or photographer by definition or profession. I'm a 40-something woman who runs the socials for Fiercely Electric in my spare time, a civil servant in my day job. Yet I had something to offer, and I had been granted the access of my dreams.
On that first accredited event in London in 2023, I did not fully make use of the access I had (I didn't attend driver/team press conferences) because I felt a bit awkward - but I did try to make the most of the access to the paddock, pit lane and autograph sessions. I captured some images I'm really proud of, with my second hand camera and lens. As the weekend went by, and I spoke to a few people I'd seen around, I relaxed a little and started to find my feet.
By the time I'd had my accreditation granted for Berlin this year, the feelings had started again but I tried to keep a lid on it. Some incredible news came, that I was able to meet with Jake Dennis and Norman Nato of Andretti on the Thursday for a media request via the team. When I was sitting in the paddock waiting for the time to tick down, I could have been sick I was so nervous - would they think it was a stupid idea? Would somebody 'see through' me and know I wasn't actually worthy of their time? The team and the drivers were so lovely and welcoming though, they were genuinely interested in the idea I'd brought and were immediately on board - even allowing me to film a short video intro. That was the moment it started to sink in - this was real, I was really there, and I was really meant to be there.
I tried my best over the next few days to keep my confidence up, getting involved with as much as I could, filming and photographing everything, networking and making new friends.
People seemed curious what it was I did, who I was, where I was from, how I got into Formula E. There was no judgement, I realised - just a genuine interest.
I had some fantastic opportunities over the weekend, including watching practice and qualifying from the Andretti garage. My confidence grew and I felt very comfortable - the more people I spoke to and told about my socials and what I was working on over the weekend, I could feel the Imposter on my shoulder gradually being shushed.
I think it is something of an internal struggle I will always have to battle with to an extent, but I no longer feel like my appearances in the media centre are going to be how I get 'found out' - there is a space for me, I am worthy of being there, and I have my own unique takes on the world. I add value, I may not know everything or have the best equipment but I will make it work. I don't need to compare myself to others, we're not in competition. I belong there.
You can read more about the definition of Imposter Syndrome here.
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